Living in the Sticks
Expect the Unexpected
I live in the sticks in East Texas. This wasn’t my original plan, but I’m here. In fact, “Over my dead body” was my standard response whenever my husband suggested we move to our lake house in the Piney Woods Region for our retirement. Farmer B claimed he could live happily ever after at the lake house. All he needed was a fishing rod and everything would be fine, wonderful, and hunky-dory. I was not so easily convinced.
So, for the longest time he did his lake thing, I did my city thing. We passed each other going opposite directions on the highway.
He waved at me. I waved at him. He honked at me. I honked at him. He drove north. I drove south. He honked at me. I honked at him. He drove south. I drove north.
This wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I told him I wanted to have a honkin’ good time in our Golden Years.
The dogs were the deal breaker. Living at the lake and romping around the forest was a literal hound heaven on earth to them. I never had the heart to take the pups back to the city with me. Although I called every night to hear them pant into the receiver and woof goodnight to me, it just was not the same as being a full-time dog mom. As time passed, I gradually gave up my status as a city dweller and signed up as a stay-at-home mom to three country dogs. Okay, perhaps Farmer B, my husband of 50 years. also had some influence on my decision. Just a bit.
Our house is in the forest on a lake in the middle of nowhere at the end of a Texas red dirt road. The nearest town is 11 miles away, has a population of 1,515 people, and has ten Baptist churches. When we really want to kick up our heels and go wild, we drive 18 miles in the opposite direction to a booming metropolis with a population of 6,450 people and 27 Baptist churches. We eat at a local Mexican restaurant then pop into the Tractor Supply Store for some quasi-retail therapy.
As a lifetime card-carrying, die-hard fashionista it is a stretch to get a genuine fashionista fix at the Tractor Supply Store. That, my friends, is not going to happen at Tractor Supply! But if I’m in the market for a sledgehammer, an Allen wrench, a tin garden rooster, a chain saw, a wooden chicken coop, a can of hog repellant, bags of deer corn, or a pair of work gloves, Tractor Supply is the perfect place to go. I’ve rooted around the shelves and retrieved such treasures as a nifty flashlight, some snazzy multi-purpose utensils, and even a 16-month Jackass Calendar. These finds don’t do much for my inner fashionista, but she’s discovered that UPS, FedEx, and USPS all deliver to our house in the middle of nowhere at the end of a Texas red dirt road.
Muddin’
I did mention we live at the end of a Texas red dirt road, didn’t I? Allow me to introduce you to “East Texas Mudding.” Muddin’ is a sport in East Texas. I received my initiation into this pass time by default. I had been in the city for the day, and it rained the entire time I was gone. The road was a real mess for the final leg of my drive home.
Check out this short video of East Texas Muddin’
Having cut my driving teeth on ice, snow, and slippery winter driving conditions in Canada, I certainly wasn’t going to let a measly Texas road covered with slick red gumbo intimidate me. This wasn’t my first go-round plowing through to my destination and I doubted it would be my last.
Whoa!! Slllliiiiidddde. Spinning wheels. Wrrrr. Wrrrr. Wrrrr.
Forward, backward. Wrrrr. Right, left. Sideways. Other side. Wrrrr. Turn the wheel. Back up. Try again. Wrrrr. Slowly… inch forward. Wrrrr.
Brake. Gear down. Wrrrr. Back up. Take it easy. Wrrrr. Turn the wheel. Right, left. Sideways. Wrrr. Watch out for the ditch. Forward again. Sideways… Wrrrr.
Ah dang it! The ditch! Glug.
A wonderful knight in shining armor, Farmer B and his tractor came to my rescue as soon as I called. This was nothing unusual, as he received at least one call a week from neighbors who were bogged down in the mud.
The Neighbors
Some of my neighbors are very strange.
In fact, I’ve never had neighbors like these before. An odd lot.
Romeo and Juliet are a good example. I haven’t a clue what their last name is - could be Shakespeare, for all I know. I don’t see them very often, but when I do, it is always in the morning. I gather they are early risers. They mind their own business and stay on their own side of the fence – if you understand what I mean. They aren’t rude, but they aren’t sociable either. I think it’s fairly accurate to say they’re loners and they stick to themselves. Rumor has it that Romeo and Juliet are strict vegetarians.
Then there’s BucBuc. He’s a regular Mr. Congeniality. Everyone really likes the guy. He has a charismatic personality. People are just drawn to him and he’s a very nice dude. While I see him as a bit of an oddball, and kinda eccentric, one of my neighbors has a heart-throbbing crush on BucBuc. She gets all giddy and sparkly-eyed when she talks about him. And oh boy, I’ve seen BucBuc around her. He plays her like a fiddle, lapping up the attention. Recently a younger buck has been tagging along with Mr. BucBuc. Suffice it to say, they’re of the same persuasion.
But then there’s another couple. I never have caught their names, but I have named them Petunia and Potato in my mind. I don’t know how to say this politely, so I’ll just put it out there like it is… those two old gals are… well, they’re a real hoot! I can’t look at them without thinking about Miss Piggy from the Muppets. They both have her demeanor perfected. It’s hard to keep a straight face around them.
Maybe it’s standard in today’s day and age to have recluse vegetarian neighbors named Romeo and Juliet. Perhaps it’s normal for an eccentric, congenial schmoozer called BucBuc to take a younger fella under his wing and show him how to captivate the ladies. And, of course, don’t we all know of someone who reminds us of sweet, adorable Miss Piggy?
I suppose the only reason why I even mention this assortment of characters is because the whole tribe lives right next door to me!
They all live together!
Romeo, Juliet, BucBuc the Bongo and his younger protégé all live on the ranch next door to me. The two pigs are pets adopted by the owner of the ranch. The ranch also has several species of exotic deer and other animals. They are wonderful neighbors and delightful to watch.
Seriously. When was the last time your neighborhood bongo popped his head over your fence to rustle up a nose rub and a fresh carrot?
Wolf Spiders
For a woman who used to go bat-plop crazy over any creepy-crawly creature that was bigger than a gnat, I have become a real trooper in the land of frightful critters. Take for example the day a gigantic wolf spider dropped by my house for a cup of coffee.
I was not interested in socializing with this arachnid. She was the size of my hand, had 26 eyeballs, and was hauling one hundred baby wolf spiders around on her back.
She might be a nice gal, but she was NOT my type. I wanted this chick out of my house and back where she came from fast! Very fast!
Take a look at that mamma and tell me she makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over.
Liar! Liar!
For the record, if you ever run into one of these creatures be very careful how you “dispose” of her. Sweep her very gently outside, being extremely careful not to send all those little wolfie spiders on her back scurrying in a hundred different directions in your house. FYI, this gal is not a looker, but she does not pack a poisonous bite.
Mamma Wolf Spider has a bit of work to do before she’ll be ready to run in a beauty contest.
I might add for all of you who are freaked out by the sight of this gal I do apologize. East Texas living has its challenges. One never knows what to expect!
The Thing
My dog Karley Jean is a fearless hunter. And a diva. She just cannot resist the urge to go out into the forest and chase squirrels, rabbits, bigfoot, mice, rats, pigs, bigfoot, raccoons, bigfoot, possums, skunks, bigfoot, nutrias, deer, and whatever else lurks out there in the deep woods. Ironically, the same dog will do just about anything to avoid walking on a lawn to go potty. If the bottom of her dainty paws never touch grass and she can do her business in the middle of the sidewalk or the driveway, she’s one happy hound.
Karley gets her jollies out of giving me disgusting trophies from her hunting escapades.
Consider the time she came home with her mouth stuffed full of… what? What was that “thing” in her mouth?
I really should know better than to start rooting around in her mouth with my bare hands trying to dig out… her catch?? But no! I must have had a temporary lapse of sanity as I crammed my hand into her mouth and wrestled with her to give that “thing” up. I pulled harder and she clamped down more on the “thing.”
With my arm shoved halfway down the dad-gum dog’s throat, I seized the “thing” and power-played her with the ultimate master dog routine. Gritting between my teeth I commanded her to, “Drop it, Karley!!” One of us was going to win this power struggle and it wasn’t going to be the bull-snortin dog! “Karley, I said DROP IT!!”
She released the “thing.” I scrutinized the “thing”, “What the…?” Then I noticed the eyes and the yellow-orange bucked teeth. “Oh yuck!” I recoiled in horror as I hurled the “thing” on the ground!
It was a nutria head! She had decapitated a nutria and brought the head home. How despicably disgusting. She was proud of herself. I felt like barfing.
Wild Pigs
Karley’s biggest conquest was capturing a baby feral hog. Momma Feral and her piglets zipped across our yard so fast that all we saw was a flash of movement. But Karley and the dogs were onto them like a bolt of lightning. Shortly afterward we heard a yelp and the dogs started barking. Concerned that one of the dogs might be hurt, we jumped into the ATV and took off on a search and rescue mission.
Minutes later we found Karley Jean, nestled in the weeds and vegetation at the side of the lake, cuddling a baby feral pig that she had just snuffed out. She was grinning from ear to ear.
She gazed at her catch completely gooey-eyed, spellbound, punch drunk from her hunting conquest. The epitome of contentment. The other dogs sniffed her lifeless bounty and admired it. Wow! The ultimate! They each rubbed their noses along the piglet’s tummy and took a good long whiff.
We had to get the dogs out of there fast! Mamma Hog couldn’t be far away and she wouldn’t waste any time retracing her steps when she discovered one of her babies was gone. She would NOT be pleased with Karley’s execution of her piglet. (FYI An angry mamma feral hog can be very ferocious!)
It took some coaxing but we were able to convince Karley to leave her catch and get the heck out of there. Pronto!
I have a matter to take up with Karley Jean concerning my piglet…
Attack Trees
The trees in East Texas attack vehicles. It is a constant challenge to dodge stray branches, twigs, vines, trunks, and roots. When you least expect it an attack tree will come crashing down across the road. It can happen at any time, although it is especially common during or after heavy rainfall.
Note to self! The attack trees are brutal. Take a look at this attack tree.
This particular attack tree fell down on a beautiful summer day. Sometimes they attack without any prior indication. The county work crew cleared this tree away. It was too big of a job for Farmer B and his tractor!
Animals of All Sorts
Then there was the long, snake that stretched all across the road and completely wigged me out when I thought it did a double whammy and flipped up on the back window of my vehicle. I let out an earth-shattering scream and almost had a heart attack. As it turned out, I had just caught a glimpse of the windshield wiper in my rearview mirror. Oblivious to me, the snake continued his journey slithering across the road and into the forest. It scared the socks off me!
Well… I lie. It didn’t scare the socks off me. I don’t wear socks.
Oh for heaven’s sake! Aren’t there any nice bunny rabbits or squirrels around? Yes, we have lots of animals that are a little less frightening. We have a couple of pet deer that come around on a regular basis. We’ve named them Donald and Darla. A couple of squirrels have taken up residence in our front yard and they like to torment the dogs. Mamma turtle dropped by today and laid some eggs in the yard.
And we see bugs, bugs, bugs, and more bugs. Did I mention we see bugs? Big bugs little bugs? Medium bugs. Bugs with wings. Bugs with shells. Bugs with antennae. Big huge bugs the size of birds. No-see-em bugs. Biting bugs. Bugs with big eyes. Bugs with horns. Green bugs. Black bugs. Bug-eyed bugs. Bugs. Bugs. Bugs.
Did I mention we see bugs?
My goodness, living in the sticks in East Texas is NOT for the faint of heart. How did I get myself into this? These are supposed to be my Golden Years. I’m supposed to be taking it easy. Well, one thing for sure - there never is a dull moment!