Thomas the Cat Writes to Auntie
Expect the Unexpected
Hello Auntie,
This is Thomas, your nephew-cat. I am writing you from Mommy's computer. She doesn't know I taught myself how to use the computer by watching her. We cats are very computer-savvy. It’s a natural instinct for us, you know. We LOVE wrapping our paws around the mouse and squeezing our claws into it a few times before we start pushing it around in a good old-fashioned game of cat and mouse. Claw-tapping the keyboard and watching the screen is awesome as well.
Auntie, did you like the rats I brought into the house during your visit? I paw-picked them just for you. You didn't take any of them in your suitcase when you left. Did you forget them or were you unhappy with my choice for you? I know the one guy was small, but I thought he was the perfect size to hide in the toe of your sneakers so you could breeze right through security at the airport.
Rats are naturally sneaky, which is why they like to hide inside sneakers.
ALWAYS check your sneakers for rats before you put them on.
It is NEVER good to squish a rat inside your sneakers.
Of course, it would be difficult to get my little rat past a really picky TSA agent at the airport. Picky TSA agents know all the sneaky tricks, they even check the toes of sneakers for little baby rats.
So, I can understand why you left my paw-picked gifts here. Not to worry. I’ve been taking excellent care of the baby rats for you and I’ll watch over them until you return.
When they get big enough, I’ll let them scoot around the house for some exercise. I’ll sit back and watch the action while Mommy does that strange thing she always does when she sees one of my rats. She LEAPS onto the couch, STANDS there, and SCREAMS like she’s off her rocker. Why does she do that? Do you think she’s losing her marbles or maybe it’s hormonal?
Auntie, the rats I can catch for you now, are a cut above all others. They are premium Grade A1, paw-picked, claw-picked gems that now exude my infamous "Eau de Morte".
Eau de Morte by Thomas is the new designer scent that I’m launching along with all the biggies. YSL, Dior, Elizabeth Arden, Chanel, and now… Thomas.
My scent is special and designed for people just like you who have difficulty whiffing the usual stuff with their sniffers. Eau de Morte by Thomas is a genuine putrefied essence de rata and it reeks. Even the most desensitized schnoz catches the stinky drift of Morte. Trust me, it leaves a lasting impression that you won’t forget.
We don't have any rats at our house, so I go next door to Mr. B's for my stash. My sister Karley the dog tells me Mr. B is a purr-fectionist and that is why all the moles, voles, squirrels, rats, mice, frogs, cats, hounds, raccoons, and critters like to hang out at his place and bug the living snot out of him.
Every night is critter party night at Mr. B’s.
One night Mr. B even came out in his boxer shorts, the ones that have cartoon pictures of wiener dogs all over them, and he tried to find the tree frog that was squawking like a fog horn outside his bedroom window!
Auntie, the critters and I don’t understand why Mr. B was wearing wiener dog boxer shorts. He doesn’t have a wiener dog. In fact, we took a poll and we all agreed that he doesn’t even like dogs. We think he’s a bit touched in the head, if you catch my drift.
All the critters, including the tree frog, watched Mr. B from my yard and listened to him muttering bad words under his breath. When he went back inside, the tree frog hopped back over to Mr. B’s and continued to squawk.
Would you believe that Mr. B came out AGAIN in his wiener dog boxer shorts, but this time he had a GUN! Again we all watched and listened from the SAFETY of my yard. We think Mr. B flipped his lid, went nutso, wackadoodle, over the deep edge. What kind of man runs around in the middle of the night dressed in wiener dog boxer shorts, packing heat, and muttering bad words about a little green frog?
Mr. B DID NOT get the tree frog. We STILL have our nightly critter parties in his yard because we STILL like to bug the living snot out of him. That, and we are Party Animals! However, I admit, I keep my eyes peeled in case Mr. B. comes out armed and dangerous dressed in his wiener dog boxers again.
There is another matter about Mr. B that confuses me. He’s purr-fect but he didn’t mind it when the fence between our yards was rotted and falling down. My daddy rebuilt the fence but Mr. B refused to chip in and pay for his half of the new fence. I heard Daddy say Mr. B is a Tight Wad. What is a Tight Wad? My sister Karley the dog says a Tight Wad is a Purr-fect Pain in the Butt. Karley knows these things because she’s the oldest. But I still don’t understand. The only times I’ve ever had a pain in the butt, I had to go poo. What does going poo have to do with Mr. B and not paying for the fence?
Karley said it’s just the way humans talk and it’s complicated. That’s for sure!
Well, Auntie, I must go before Mommy catches me on her computer. Not to worry. I will take excellent care of the baby rats I caught for you. I can catch anything else you want… just name it. Lots of love and hugs to you.
Note: Thomas the Cat Crossed Over the Rainbow on Wednesday, October 11, 2023. He was 15 years old. He had a very happy life living with his canine brothers and sisters and he was much loved and is sadly missed. He was an awesome cat.
Two days later on Friday, October 13, 2023, Karley joined Thomas and all their other brothers and sisters who had passed before them. Karley was 18 years old. She worked as a Therapy Dog with Lois Thomson Bowersock & Associates for many years of her life. She was a very happy dog and she was noted for her loving nature. Karley is sadly missed and will forever be in our hearts.
We thank God for blessing us with these two beautiful animals and allowing us to enjoy them during their time on this planet.
Lovely. Such a fun piece of writing that pays great tribute to your lovely cat, who clearly had a great sense of humour. Oh how we miss them ❤️🙏
I am so sad to hear about Thomas and Karley. I know they are missed but think of all the unconditional love they gave!!