Woman-of-a-Certain Age - New Eyes & Ears
Expect the Unexpected
New Eyes
As a bona-fide, card-carrying woman-of-a-certain age I got my “bionic eyes” in 2019. The pair I was born with conked out, clouded over, and simply gave up the ghost. So, an acclaimed ophthalmologist lasered a bit here, sliced a bit there, removed some crud, installed the “bionic eyes” and I was better than new. Dr. MyEyes even professed he could correct the double vision I’ve had all my life. I drew the line on that one!
“Hold on Big Guy! No way! What? Give up my propensity for living twice as much life as everyone else? Why on earth would I want to do that?”
Dr. MyEyes even had the gall to suggest I might find single vision more beneficial as I age. Say what? Well, who ever heard of such horse hockey? I am sticking with my double perspective on life and that’s that. End of conversation.
People like me, who have had Diplopia all their lives, have adapted to their double vision and generally have no conscious awareness of it.
The sudden onset of double vision later in life, however, is quite another matter. It could be the symptom of a serious health condition needing prompt medical attention.
Now that you can see for yourself what it is like to have double vision, I confess it does restrict me in a few ways.
I have no hand-eye coordination. None. Zip. Zero. I cannot play tennis, golf, racquetball, baseball, or any other sport with a paddle or a bat. Lord knows I have given each of them my best effort - all to no avail.
“Keep your eye on the ball” takes on a whole new meaning when you have double vision. Which ball?!
The odds were against me. There was always a 50% chance I was swinging at the phantom ball.
Consider how exasperating, frustrating, and infuriating it becomes after decades of swinging at something that wasn’t really there. Groan! My brain had adapted to my double vision, so I had no idea I saw things in tandem. This simply added to my misery.
I was brutal to the golf courses. It’s a wonder I was even allowed to play. By the time I finished a round of nine holes on any meticulously groomed fairway, it generally looked like a coterie of groundhogs had peppered it with an erratic trail of divots and grassy pocks. While the ground inevitably took a severe beating, I rarely hit the ball. I had my own rule: ten strokes per hole then pick up the ball and move on. After a decade, more lessons than I care to recall, and countless hours at driving ranges, my score was still 90 for nine holes of golf. Atta girl! Way to go, Champ!
Huh? What is a coterie of groundhogs? If you can rattle the answer to that one off the top of your head, you know your animal jargon a whole lot better than I did. I admit, I looked it up. A coterie of groundhogs is “a group of groundhogs”.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” Forget that noise! Well, sooner or later, trying again turns into the definition of insanity: “Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.” So, with great joy and nary a single shred of remorse, I was delighted to finally quit all sports requiring hand-eye coordination. Goodbye and good riddance!
Ironically, it wasn’t until I was in my late thirties, after I moved to the USA that an ophthalmologist diagnosed my double vision. How is that even possible, you ask? One may criticize the medical care we have here in the United States, but it is par excellence compared to other countries.
2. My double vision also restricts me from ever being able to get a pilot’s license. Whew! You can rest easy knowing I am NOT buzzing around in the skies above, endangering myself and the world below, while second-guessing my dual vision. I’ve never been in the market for a pilot’s license, but it is good to know that people with double vision are disqualified for safety reasons. Smart call, if I do say so myself.
New Ears
Also, as a card-carrying Woman-of-a-Certain age, I have new and improved ears. Well, sort of. Modern otolaryngology didn’t quite offer to laser, slice, remove crud and install the “bionic ears” remedy to my significant hearing loss. Rather, I now have state-of-the-art hearing aids that cost a dump truck full of money. In addition to fine-tuned, upgraded hearing, the discrete contraptions can do some fancy tricks that my birthday suit ears could never do. For example:
1. Selective hearing. All I need to do is turn down the volume and I can barely hear diddly-squat. I inwardly hum my modified version of the words to an old song, “Silence is golden, but my bionic eyes still see… “
2. Bluetooth connection. Instant air pods. Earbuds. Or whatever those quirky white squiggly deals sticking out of everyone’s ears are. Regardless, my iPhone rings directly in my ears. My new ears also connect to CarPlay, WiFi, and Lord only knows what else. My snazzy new hearing aids are almost invisible. Doesn’t that just tickle your fancy?
On the flip side, the discrete Bluetooth feature of my hearing aids presents a potential problem. Join me on a walk through the aisles of the local grocery store on any given day at 5:30 PM and I’ll illustrate my point.
How many people are alone, have squiggly white air pods sticking out their ears, and are yakking up a storm while grocery shopping? You have the picture. Now, check me out. I too am shopping alone in the grocery store. My zippy hearing aid Bluetooth is hidden in my ears, out of sight, practically invisible. For illustrative purposes, I also am yakking up a storm. But who, or what am I talking to? I appear to be yakking to myself. “Yakkity yak yak yak Ha ha yak yak.” I look like a certifiable nut case. People start cutting a wide path from me, avoiding every aisle I venture down.
It’s just not fair. What am I supposed to do? Go to the front of the store, take over the microphone and announce, “Good evening shoppers. Welcome to the grocery store. We are all here to shop and yak into our Bluetooths. Mine is hidden in my ear and you probably won’t be able to see it. I am not yakking to myself. I repeat – I am not yakking to myself. I am not a nut case and I am not dangerous.
You will recognize me when you see me. I have long red hair and it only looks like I’m yakking to myself. Feel free to ignore me while you enjoy shopping and yakking on the electronic device of your choice. Thank you, shoppers.”
Point to Ponder: Are multiple Bluetooths called “Blueteeth”?
Answer: Bluetooths or Bluetooth Devices
There are many benefits to being a modern Woman-of-a-Certain age.
Seeing life in perfect 20/20 vision out of my bionic eyes and exploring an entirely new world in the audio realm are but a few. What more can I ask for?
Look for the next posting… I’ll be traveling again to another incredible destination and going back in time and history. Don’t miss it.
What an interesting story and it is sort of surprising that you did not find out about your double vision condition earlier? I guess that is a testimony to the amazing ability of the brain to adapt and adjust to just about anything! I've had hearing aids for decades at this point and often get the "look" from folks as I walk by talking to "myself" when using the Bluetooth connection to my phone from my hearing aids. I do love playing music through them any time I want. A great cure for a boring meeting. :-) Maybe that explains why you can see things from so many different perspectives? That is your natural state and your brain is naturally wired that way.