Being a Woman-of-a-Certain-Age
Expect the Unexpected
As a Woman-of-a-Certain-Age I am afforded luxuries that I did not previously have. Take, for example, my new sharp-vision bionic eyes. The pair I was born had seen better days—they clouded over, dried up, and conked out. So, an acclaimed ophthalmologist lasered a bit here, sliced a bit there, polished them up, and installed my new state-of-the-art bionic eyes. My eyesight was better than ever!
Dr. MyEyes even claimed he could correct the double vision I’ve had all my life. I drew the line on that one!
“Hold on, Big Guy! No way! What? Give up my propensity for LIVING TWICE AS MUCH LIFE as everyone else? Why on earth would I want to do that?”
Dr. MyEyes had the gall to suggest I might find single vision more beneficial as I age. Well, who ever heard of such horse hockey? I am sticking with my double perspective on life. Period. End of conversation.
People like me, who have had Diplopia all their lives
ADAPT to their double vision and generally have NO conscious awareness of it.
I admit my double vision has been a source of contention to me throughout my entire life — I just didn’t know my eyesight was the problem.
I have no hand-eye coordination. None. I cannot play tennis, golf, racquetball, baseball, or any other sport with a paddle, club, or bat. Lord knows I have given each of them my best effort - all to no avail.
For decades, I tortured myself by trying to “learn” how to hit the ball in various sports.
“Keep your eye on the ball” has a new meaning when you have double vision. I DID have my eye on the ball! Unbeknownst to me, there was a 50% chance I was swinging at a phantom ball!
Strike one! Strike two! Strike three! You’re out! Over and over. Groan!
The softball coach suggested I take tennis lessons. The tennis instructor tactfully suggested I take golf lessons…. (See my substack posting July 2023: Golf Clubs & Grizzly Bears for that story.)
I was brutal to the golf courses. It’s a wonder I was even allowed on the grounds. When I finished a round of nine holes on any meticulously groomed fairway, it looked like a family of groundhogs had plowed through it with an erratic trail of divots and grassy pocks. While the grass inevitably took a severe beating, I seldom hit the ball. I had my own rule: ten strokes per hole, then pick up the ball and move on.
For ten years, I took more golf lessons than I want to admit, spent countless hours trying to hit golf balls on driving ranges, and my efforts STILL had NO impact on my score. Atta girl! Way to go, Champ!
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” Forget that noise! Sooner or later, trying again is insane! The definition of insanity is: “Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.”
So, with great joy and nary a single shred of remorse, I was delighted to finally quit all sports requiring hand-eye coordination.
Goodbye and good riddance!
Ironically, it wasn’t until I was in my late thirties, after I moved to the USA, that an ophthalmologist diagnosed my double vision. When my Diplopia was diagnosed, I became more aware of it. It explains my lack of hand-eye coordination. However, it’s still “normal” for me to see double.
My double vision also restricts me from ever being able to get a pilot’s license. Whew! It is good to know that people with double vision are disqualified from flying planes for safety reasons.
Don’t ask WHY we double-visioners are permitted to drive, but we aren’t allowed to zip around the blue-yonder.
As a Woman-of-a-Certain-Age, I also have new and improved ears. Well, sort of. Modern otolaryngology didn’t quite offer to install “bionic ears” as a remedy for my significant hearing loss. Rather, I now have state-of-the-art hearing aids that cost a dump truck full of money. In addition to precision-tuned, upgraded hearing, the discrete contraptions can do some fancy tricks my birthday suit ears could never do.
For example:
1. Selective hearing. All I need to do is turn down the volume, and the world around me is tuned out. Silence. It’s magic! I inwardly hum my modified version of the words to an old song, “Silence is golden, but my bionic eyes still see… “
2. Bluetooth connection. Instant air pods. Earbuds. Or whatever those quirky white squiggly deals are sticking out of everyone’s ears. Regardless, my iPhone rings directly in my ears because my hearing aids are almost invisible. My new bionic ears also connect to CarPlay and WiFi, and when I want to install more of their features, I call my preschool grandson for assistance programming them.
On the flip side, the discrete Bluetooth feature of my hearing aids presents a potential problem. Join me on a walk through the aisles of the local grocery store on any given day at 5:30 PM, and I’ll illustrate my point.
Notice that all the people who are alone have iPhones or squiggly white air pods sticking out their ears and are yakking up a storm while grocery shopping? You have the picture.
Then there is me. I, too, am shopping alone. However, my zippy hearing aid Bluetooth is hidden in my ears, out of sight, practically invisible. For illustrative purposes, I am also yakking up a storm. But who or what am I talking to? Either I look like I’m talking to myself, or I’m chatting with the groceries on the shelves. “Yakkity yak yak Ha ha yak yak.” I look like a certifiable nut whacko.
People start cutting a wide path from me, avoiding every aisle I venture down.
It’s just not fair. What am I supposed to do? Go to the front of the store, take over the microphone, and announce:
“Good evening, shoppers. Welcome to the grocery store. We are all here to shop and yak on our Bluetooths. Mine is hidden in my ear, and you probably won’t be able to see it. I am NOT yakking to myself. I REPEAT– I am NOT yakking to the groceries or myself. I am not a certifiable nut job, and I am NOT dangerous.
You will recognize me when you see me. I have long red hair, and it only LOOKS like I’m yakking to myself. Feel free to ignore me while you enjoy shopping and yakking on the electronic device of your choice. Thank you, shoppers.”
Point to Ponder: Are multiple Bluetooths called “Blueteeth”?
Answer: Bluetooths or Bluetooth Devices
There are many benefits to being a modern Woman-of-a-Certain-Age.
Seeing life in perfect 20/20 double vision out of my bionic eyes and hearing an entirely new world in the audio realm are but a few. What more can I ask for?
Great piece, Lois! I too can tear up a golf course, even without the benefit of double vision.
You make aging sound like so much fun! Thanks for posting. You've turned me into an optimist.