You Old, You Very, Very Old
Expect the Unexpected
(This article was published in April 2023. I’m reposting it because it is one of my favorites.)
It started with that small ad I saw in the back of a magazine while getting my hair done. Crazy as the whole thing sounded, it had my attention. A Fitness Bootcamp Spa in Chiang Mai, Thailand? Oh wow! That would be an adventure and a half! I whipped out a pen and wrote down the information so I could find out the scoop on the place.
I discovered a windfall. This gem received top ratings from Happy Boot Campers, Trip Advisor, and the Better Business Bureau. Its reputation was so squeaky clean I almost needed sunglasses to read the reviews.
I was blown away by the long list of personalized spa services, accommodations, and fitness activities that were covered under the cost. Oh my goodness! The whole kitten kaboodle cost less than one single spa day at a comparable facility in the US. Bonus! It was even rated as one of “the top ten spas in Southeast Asia.” Spa services are enticing… but I could also spend a whole week gritting it out at a fitness camp. Fitness is good… right? Airfare would be cheap. This was the perfect extravaganza to snag a free ticket and cash in on air miles.
Thailand is exactly on the opposite side of the world from Texas. Having been there once in the past, I decided to approach my Spa Trip from a different angle. I booked my departure flight and traveled east from Houston to Chiang Mai, via Frankfurt, Dubai, and Bangkok. My return flight took me back to Bangkok, where I continued my eastbound journey to Houston via Tokyo and Los Angeles. In a nutshell and leaving out a lot of detail and info about stops that I will write about in future postings, I zipped around the entire globe on my Spa Trip.
Everything on my jaunt around the planet was going tickety-boo until I was en route between Dubai and Bangkok. By my calculation, the plane was somewhere halfway across India when I got slammed with a gruesome migraine headache.
Those of us who are migraine sufferers never leave home without our migraine medication. We all have our ways to try and deal with these horrendous inflictions. If I get a migraine that doesn’t cool its jets with two doses of medication, I typically end up wrestling with a nightmare of relentless pain and nausea that can last for days.
By the time the plane landed in Bangkok, and I sprinted to catch my short connecting flight to Chiang Mai, I knew the second dose of medication had no impact.
I was in trouble. The migraine was amping up like a hurricane building intensity.
Thank goodness when I arrived in Chiang Mai my airport transportation and check-in at the Retreat Center ran brochure-perfect. I collapsed onto the bed in my room, hoping to get some relief from the nasty jackhammer pounding in my head coupled with a bout of yucky nausea. I was not a happy boot camper.
A few hours later I booted my protesting carcass to the Retreat Center to attend orientation with the rest of the newbie team members. We received our itineraries and marching orders.
Suit up and show up at 06:40 AM in front of the Bamboo Spa ready to down a shot glass of barley grass water before heading out for our three-mile morning power walk. If anyone wants to slug down an extra shot of barley grass water more power to you.
I wanted to barf.
It didn’t take long to figure out, being the oldest by at least a decade, I was the odd duck in the brood. While my enthusiastic teammates flapped around, anxious to get started, I just wanted to quack off, waddle back to my room and pull the covers over my throbbing head. Age has the benefit of experience. Sometimes it’s prudent to stick with the flock. So I joined the young-uns for the evening meal, hoping some food would help tame the angry beast that was battering my skull to a pulp.
It didn’t help. This was one snarky beast.
Morning came way too soon. Bright and early, rise and shine sunshine! Up and at ‘em!! For a nanosecond I considered staying in bed, but that would be a lazy-lump thing to do. Who travels halfway around the world to go to a fitness boot camp only to slack off, lounge around, and sleep all day?
The sledgehammer bludgeoning my head is NOT REALLY a problem. Atta girl…put one foot in front of the other. I can do this… I can do this. Ready. Feet start walking…
Right on schedule at 06:40 AM, everyone turned up in front of the Bamboo Spa raring to go. The shot glasses of barley grass concoction were enthusiastically raised in a celebratory toast. Three cheers to our morning walk! The contents went down the hatch!
The young-uns tore off power walking like turbocharged dynamos. Wow! Did they drink the same stuff as I did? I was still considering going back to my room and going to bed, let alone zip-a-dee-doo-dahing three miles along a Thai country road in the early morning hours just for kicks and giggles.
Groan! My head protested loudly and my stomach was a grumpy runner-up. But I was suited up in my snazzy workout duds and I was determined to tough it out.
That is when I discovered I was not alone. Although the entire group of young-uns was long-gone, having left me in a cloud of dust, one lone ranger remained. His name was Mathee. The new kid on the block, Mathee had only recently joined the fitness staff of the center.
Mathee and I chit-chatted as we walked at a brisk pace for a mile or so. I was curious, so I asked him why we weren’t walking in the same direction as the rest of the group.
Ask a question, get an answer. He replied, “You OLD. You very, very OLD.”
Of course, wasn’t I just the dumb cluck for not seeing the obvious? I OLD… I very, very OLD! (that is stated with a LOT of emphasis on OLD)
What could I say? I protested, “I’m not old!”
He said, “Oh you OLD. You very OLD. In Thailand you OLD. Women your age no do what you do. They relax. They sit on porch in rocking chair and watch grandchild. They no go to boot camp.”
The walk was all I could accomplish that day. The beast migraine did a colossal job of putting the boots to my skull while giving me a double whammy in the gut. Perhaps the young whippersnapper had a point. I felt old… very, very old.
The following day the young-uns continued the fitness boot camp brouhaha without me. I was whisked off to a nearby clinic for acupuncture treatment. The acupuncturist stuck a gazillion needles into me and then left me to watch the ceiling fan whirl around and around. No doubt I looked like a rather odd red-headed bird with all those quills sticking out of my head.
An hour later she removed the needles, “Job well done. Come back tomorrow.”
Great! Yup, being an odd bird pincushion is a special talent of mine. See you tomorrow.
And the next day….
And the next day….
For most of the week I’d either been in my room nursing my head or at the clinic getting stabbed, jabbed, and pierced. Although I was still nursing a very touchy noggin, I had enough recovery by the fifth day that I mustered the energy to go for a slow walk around the grounds.
It took Mathee less than thirty seconds to be on my heels. Wow! This young pup took guard-dogging me seriously. “Lois, I walk with you. You no walk by self.”
OK. If he wanted to walk around with me at a snail’s pace, that worked for me. However, I confess I did wonder if he had a cane or a walker stashed close by, just in case I proved to be a bit too decrepit for his peace of mind. Mathee stuck by my side until it was time for me to go for my final quill adventure at the clinic.
On the last day of the boot camp I joined the young-uns for the grand finale, which involved various activities in the city of Chiang Mai. Although I wasn’t 100% up to par, at least half my cylinders were firing and that was a huge improvement over anything I’d experienced since my arrival.
Our first stop was a Muay Thai gym - translated, that is Thai boxing, the national sport of Thailand. Muay Thai is a combat sport of stand-up striking techniques using fists, elbows, feet, and knees to deliver punches and kicks. The roots of Muay Thai are traced back to 13th-century military use. After warming up with stretches that rivaled a typical yoga class, a husky Thai boxer expertly wrapped my hands in and fitted me with boxing gloves.
I look really threatening in this photo, don’t I? More like I’d been stomp-kicked in the head by a homicidal migraine and tossed to the wolves for breakfast.
The training began. I learned how to kick the stuffing out of a punching bag. That wasn’t half as much fun as plowing the bag square in the chops and blasting it to smithereens with the ol’ one-two punch using my big puffy mitts.
The most fun by far was getting into the ring and slamming the tar and vinegar out of the big guy with the Muay Thai pads!
Bam! Bam Bam bam-bam-bam! Slam-bam. Thumpity-thump. Bam-thump. Look at her go! Go Granny!
I’m not sure what caused the bolt of lightning to explode in me, but it was mega-charged. I looked a pint-size Minnie Mouse decked out in gigantic bulbous boxing gloves and a Kate Spade designer skort, ruthlessly punching my formidable opponent to shreds. I packed a wallop with so much clout that the trainer holding the Muay Thai pads didn’t budge an inch, or even bat an eye.
Either the young-uns were stunned by the ferocious spectacle that erupted when I donned those big whopping boxing gloves, or they had a howling laugh of amusement.
I NOT old! I NOT very, very old!!
The next stop was the Temple of Wat Phra That Doi Suthep. Better known as the Doi Suthep Temple. Established in the year 1383 to enshrine a piece of bone from Buddha’s shoulder, this is one of Thailand’s most historical and spiritual temples. However, we were going there as a fitness challenge.
The stairway to the top of the temple is 306 steps. The young-uns were challenged with the prospect of tackling the stairs ten times over. I got off easier. One quick sprint to the top and I was off the hook. A box lunch awaited each of us at the top, then we had an hour-and-a-half break to view the temple.
Whoa! I’d already been to the temple on a previous trip to Thailand. My mind went into recall mode and immediately zeroed in on the Orchid Jade Factory, less than two blocks from the temple. It had an excellent assortment of quality Thai jade jewelry and carvings at reasonable prices. Piece of cake. I knew exactly where the store was and I had LOTS of time to whip over there and check out the goods.
Naturally, Mathee stuck to me like velcro with every step I climbed. He would have piggy-backed me up the stairs if I let him, he was so concerned about me. He was like my very own personal mother hen, fussing and fretting if I did so much as twitch an eyebrow. No harm could possibly come to me as long as I was under Mathee’s scrutiny.
I had 306 steps, and counting down, to devise a sound strategy to ditch my keeper when I got to the top. It wasn’t going to be easy, as my handler had uncanny radar instinct and eyes in the back of his head. Exactly as promised, a box lunch awaited us on a picnic table at the top of the stairs. We ate lunch together and chatted amicably. Then I politely excused myself to visit the ladies’ room.
Glancing quickly over my shoulder to make sure Mathee wasn’t watching me, I slipped between some tourists and blended with the crowd heading back down the staircase. The adrenaline raced through my veins. I felt like a kid escaping from the watchful eye of an overprotective parent. The tourists seemed to slug along in slow motion…. Come on! Hurry up! Can’t you go any faster?
Finally there was an opening in the crowd. Like a car passing a long line of slow-moving traffic on the highway, I switched lanes and zipped past the whole gaggle of lollygaggers. Eyes fixed on my target; I didn’t look back. Down, down, down I went… step after step until I got to the bottom. No sign of Mathee. I sprinted across the street, turned left, and headed in the direction of the jade shop. Still no Mathee.
I’m free! I made it! The street was buzzing with storefront merchants selling their goods, tourists, and Thai families milling around looking at postcards and assorted souvenirs of the temple. I wove through the crowd, occasionally stopping to contemplate a potential gift item before moving on. The Orchid Jade Factory was just across the street. I stood at the corner, waiting for the traffic light to change.
Then it happened. I was nabbed!
“Lois!” I turned around just in time to see Mathee navigating adeptly through the crowd. “I look for you. It dangerous here.”
Dangerous? I glanced around. Nothing looked very dangerous to me. There were tourists shopping, moms pushing babies in strollers, little kids walking with their parents. Seemed low-key to me. I responded, “What’s dangerous?”
“You get run over by car. You need be careful.”
Run over by car? Oh my goodness! I Old, now I idiot too.
If the guy wasn’t so dog-gone sweet he would have been annoying. But his heart was in the right place and he was being genuine.
I put my foot down. I insisted on crossing the street and continuing on my journey. He insisted on going with me to keep me from getting run over.
Under normal circumstances, I could easily spend an hour and a half just gawking at all the beautiful pieces of jewelry and carvings in a place like the jade factory. And I’m usually quite skilled at negotiating a shrewd bargain. As it was, having my personal bodyguard hanging two feet from my elbow cramped both my shopping and negotiating style a lot.
The young Thai man was obviously keeping an eagle eye on me and the message, albeit unintentional, was loud and clear - Do Not Mess With Her.
What was I supposed to say in this situation? “Oh, just pretend he’s not really here. He’s just keeping an eye on me because I’m old. I’m very, very old. And it’s dangerous for me to cross the street because I will get run over by a car.”
My expedition to the Orchid Jade Factory was a bust. The store clerks were quasi-polite and avoided me as much as possible.
I surrendered. Mathee walked me back to the temple area where the young-uns were instructed to reconvene after lunch. We had a full forty-five minutes to while away. He was concerned I’d bolt again. Not to worry. By that time I’d had enough exercise for the day.
I went to Thailand to a Fitness Boot Camp Spa. I spent most of my time getting booted by a migraine camped in my head. I perfected the art of impersonating an odd-looking bird with a gazillion quills protruding from its head and watching a fan twirl around. Then I thumped the snot out of a burly Thai boxer taunting me to bash his pads. I scaled up 306 stairs, then raced back down them for jollies. I had twenty minutes on the town in Chiang Mai, footloose and fancy-free before my handler apprehended me and safely delivered me back into the custody of the boot camp. And I learned that in the eyes of a nice young man on the other side of the world I am old, I am very, very old.
Fantastic adventure!!! Well done and
Well
Written!
Having been to Bangkok I could picture every moment. Not sure I'll get back there tho' my son is planning to retire there and searching for a condo to buy (he lives in HK). I don't think even when I was younger I could do over 300 stair steps mostly because of the heat and humidity there. I say that as someone who lived in deserts, Louisiana, Texas, and Florida. Can't imagine doing it with a migraine.